So here goes

Hi I'm Kate.

I'm kind of a stream-of-consciousness type of writer so I apologize in advance. Not sure why I'm apologizing...I'm the only person who's reading my blog and I don't need to apology to myself...

I'm 23, single...somewhat ok with that. Somewhat not ok with that but there you go. Learning to make the most of every day. Learning that a guy is not my "other half". I am whole and complete just the way I am. Having a guy is just the icing on the cake or the cherry in the coke.

I'm the kind of girl who loves nothing more than to disappear into the mountains and spend hours looking through the lens of a camera at a chipmunk or a flower or swinging my feet off a ledge in the breeze. I'd rather listen to a horse munching hay than the latest one-hit-wonder on XM.

In some ways I still am your average girl. I still cry at the end of the Notebook and sigh dreamily when Mr. Darcy looks at Lizzy that way... Of course I secretly hope to one day have my own Mr. Knightley, but he'll be wearing boots and wranglers and have a sideways Marlboro Man grin.

Am I cynical? At times, very. Do I really think there are any Austen-esque men that exist outside my head? Hmmm.... the jury's still out on that one. Sometimes my girlish fantasies are more fun to live in than reality, but it's like smelling good coffee without being able to taste it. A good, simple glass of water - though it's not as sexy as a margarita - is more sustaining and good for me. I'm not saying I should head for the next boring lightweight to come along just cause he's "stable" and doesn't rock the boat. Who aspires to be a Charlotte Lucas? You've gotta have salt in the beef. I'm just saying, if you keep your head in the clouds you never know what beautiful things you're missing out on.

If you could bottle one scent in nature, what would it be? I love the smell of dirt. That rich, musty smell of growing things and secret sunny places......mmmmm. Next time you're outside, grab a handful of soil and put it up to your nose. Close your eyes and just paint a picture with each whiff.

Did you ever make a plan when you were a kid of what your life would be like? I had a million different plans. I went through the whole lawyer phase, veterinarian phase, artist phase, musician, actress, nurse (preferably a World War 2 nurse who gets rescued by a handsome Army doctor), missionary, horse trainer, etc., etc. I guess you could say I was like a crippled map-maker....always drawing and never going places. I ended up majoring in Spanish education, which is, of course, why I am now working as a vet tech. My life makes sense like that.

My biggest passion in life would have to be animals. I'm pretty much a female James Herriot...without the suave British accent and the whole "Dr." thing on the front of my name. Animals have a way of filling up my heart like no human can. One look into a dog's eyes and I turn into a puddle of mush and start babbling and leaning in for schloppy wet doggie kisses. They have so much unconditional love. Not gonna find that in any guy walking around these days. I'd rather go hiking with my two golden retrievers than go to some fancy restaurant with a pretty boy in a suit. (cynical much? maybe...)

Cats. I...RESPECT them. There's something you gotta admire about a creature that doesn't take crap from anyone and lets people know exactly how they feel. There's no two ways about it with a cat. I've never had a cat, and owning one is not too high on my to-do list, but working at the animal hospital the past 3-odd years has taught me to look past the claws and the prissy attitude.

Horses are one of the most beautiful things on the planet. I sometimes have trouble breathing with the sheer beauty of a horse galloping across a field. There's something about them that's so wild and reckless and full of life that can never be tamed and never should be. I've spent many hours wishing I was a horse running wild through a valley in Montana or Wyoming, splashing water in the air when I cross a river and rolling on the green grass.

My lifelong dream, my biggest wish ever since I was a little girl recently came true and I got my first horse - a big sweet gray named Bro. He's a gentle giant who lives to eat and roll in the dirt, (naturally - he's white) so most of the time he's reddish-brown, but he's still a handsome gentleman. I'm learning so much from this new friendship. It's good to have a healthy respect for a creature over 10 times your size, but it's also important to be unquestionably in charge. Yeah, I'm pretty much a push-over most of the time, and he knows it. Gotta work on that....

I'm kind of going through one of those phases in life where I feel like I'm not working towards anything. Just working. Just because that's what there is. And there's nothing wrong with that, I guess. Work is good - work is scarce these days, and I realize every day that despite the stress and daily frustration of my job, I love what I do, and there are very few people who can say that. I don't love it all the time, of course - no one could. There are days....sheesh, I could go on. But having a job is a very good thing, especially right now, and the fact that I enjoy work is an awesome bonus.

There are just days when I wish I had more than a daily routine and an alarm clock. I itch to get out and explore life and everything out there just waiting to be discovered. Yeah, yeah - very Disney of me I know. You can just picture me running through a meadow singing like Belle in Beauty and the Beast, "I want adventure in the great wide somewhereee!!!". Not that I wanna fall in love with a guy who has more hair and claws than your average grizzly... I just sometimes feel like a wind-up doll who moves robotically through the week only to run out of energy by Friday night, rendering me dead and useless over the weekend. I suppose that's why they invented Red Bull...

For some reason I tend to be more inspired to write when I'm feeling depressed. Depression is one of those things that everyone denounces as selfish and weak but everyone secretly struggles with. Yes, in some ways it is self-centered and weak, but heck, I'll be the first to admit I butt heads with it pretty darn often. Life sucks sometimes - no other way to put it. There are some major losers out there (I know, I've been one). It's easy to throw medication at the problem - sometimes it's the best and most legit option. But too often I think we just need to start looking up instead of looking in. That whole mystic mumbo-jumbo crap about "looking inside yourself" for answers is a load of hooey. The only thing inside me is a bunch of blood and guts. (I suppose that could be an answer of sorts....)

I'm a Christian, although not a very good one. I'm a wretched heathen most of the time, and I've been really stuck in the mud here lately. But I still unswervingly believe there's more to this life than just being happy. There's more to this life than...this life. What we're doing here and now is simply a dress rehearsal for the real show. But it still matters to God. I really haven't been living like it matters to me. I keep acting like this is all there is and I better get what I can out of it. I am short-changing myself so badly with that perspective.

I don't know what the next few years are gonna bring. Or even the next few days. Sometimes I wish I had a superpower and could see into the future like Alice from the Twilight books. (yes, I read them...that jury's still out, too) I'd love to know exactly what's going to happen, who (or if) I end up marrying, where I'm gonna live, how many kids I'm gonna have. It would be nice to have it all lined up and in a neat little row. But then I realize that takes away the joy and the thrill (terror?) of the unknown. It's like watching a good movie for the first time - you're on the edge of your seat and you're dying to find out what's gonna happen, but the spine-tingling wait is the best part. So I'm gonna grab some popcorn (the cheesy kind with all the calories) and settle in for the show. Who knows how it's gonna end?