I have been asking God to help me fill my mind and heart with His promises and His Word instead of the lies and despair that so easily creep in. Here are a few verses on hope that He has given me that have been encouraging and strengthening.
2 Corinthians 4:16-18
"So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal."
Titus 2:11-14
"For the grace of God has appeared, bringing salvation for all people, training us to renounce ungodliness and worldly passions, and to live self-controlled, upright, and godly lives in the present age, waiting for our blessed hope, the appearing of the glory of our great God and Savior Jesus Christ, who gave Himself for us to redeem us from all lawlessness and to purify for Himself a people for His own possession who are zealous for good works."
Psalm 16:9-11
"Therefore my heart is glad and my whole being rejoices. My flesh also dwells secure. For you will not abandon my soul to Sheol, or let your holy one see corruption. You make known to m e the path of life. In Your presence there is fullness of joy. At Your right hand are pleasures forevermore."
Revelation 21:4-5
"He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away. And He who was seated on the throne said, "Behold, I am making all things new." Also He said, "Write this down, for these words are trustworthy and true."
Romans 8:26
"Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray as we ought, but the Spirit Himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words."
Psalm 62:5-8
"For God alone, o my soul, wait in silence, for my hope is from Him. He only is my rock and my salvation, my fortress; I shall not be shaken. On God rests my salvation and my glory; my mighty rock, my refuge is in God. Trust in Him at all times, o people; pour out your heart before Him. God is a refuge for us."
1 Peter 1:3-7
"Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! According to His great mercy, He has caused us to be born again to a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, to an inheritance that is imperishable, undefiled, and unfading, kept in heaven for you, who by God's power are being guarded through faith for a salvation ready to be revealed in the last time. In this you rejoice, though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been grieved by various trials, so that the tested genuineness of your faith - more precious than gold that perishes though it is tested by fire - may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ."
Ephesians 2:19
"So then you are no longer strangers and aliens, but you are fellow citizens with the saints, and members of the household of God"
Romans 8:37-39
"No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us. For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present, nor things to come, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord."
Romans 5:1-5
"Therefore, since we have been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ. Through Him we have also obtained access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and we rejoice in hope of the glory of God. More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us."
Galatians 2:20
"I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me. And the life I now live in the flesh, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself for me."
James 1:2-4
"Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing."
Romans 12:2
"Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable, and perfect."
1 John 1:15-17
"Do not love the world or the things in the world. If anyone loves the world, the love of the Father is not in him. For all that is in the world - the desires of the flesh and the desires of the eyes and pride in possessions - is not from the Father but is from the world. And the world is passing away along with its desires, but whoever does the will of God abides forever."
1 Corintians 15:33
"Do not be deceived: Bad company ruins good morals."
Romans 15:13
"May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope."
I know that was a lot of different references, but they just encouraged me a lot and helped me to keep my focus on walking a path of surrender and obedience to God. And staying focused on the peace and everlasting joy that comes with being a daughter of the King. I am a member of God's family - adopted and loved and cherished! Even if I experience rejection and temptation and sorrow and failure, God loves me and forgives me no matter what, and credits Christ's perfect life and redeeming death to me and only sees Christ when He looks at me. I don't deserve such overwhelming, unconditional love, but I sure am grateful more and more each day that it has been given to me!
Monday, July 26, 2010
Friday, July 23, 2010
Oh snap
Happened again....why do I do this to myself?! I can't seem to let go even though it's the end of the road and has been for awhile.... The door is closed but I keep turning the handle, hoping it will open again.
I thought it was getting better there for a bit. I tried talking it over with God, asking Him to come in and fill the empty space but it seems like a landslide happens time and time again and before I can stop it, it's another big gaping hole. Does God want my heart to be completely empty? To feel over and over the sting of rejection and the loss of what I cared about so deeply? I thought this time things were different. I was so close to what I longed for in my life and for my future and I just thought.... well, anyway, I was wrong.
I can't help but long for God's renewing, healing, life-giving joy to come and fill every fiber of my being and restore me. I am SO thirsty.
I am determined that I CANNOT let these lies that are whispering in my ear creep in and make me bitter and cold. I am clinging to the truth....
I am loved
I am cherished
I am redeemed
I am encircled
I am cleansed
I am protected
I am established
I am renewed
I am blessed
One day I'll see the sun again. My God is the God of the valley as well as the mountain, and I will never be snatched from the hands of the Lover of my soul.
I thought it was getting better there for a bit. I tried talking it over with God, asking Him to come in and fill the empty space but it seems like a landslide happens time and time again and before I can stop it, it's another big gaping hole. Does God want my heart to be completely empty? To feel over and over the sting of rejection and the loss of what I cared about so deeply? I thought this time things were different. I was so close to what I longed for in my life and for my future and I just thought.... well, anyway, I was wrong.
I can't help but long for God's renewing, healing, life-giving joy to come and fill every fiber of my being and restore me. I am SO thirsty.
I am determined that I CANNOT let these lies that are whispering in my ear creep in and make me bitter and cold. I am clinging to the truth....
I am loved
I am cherished
I am redeemed
I am encircled
I am cleansed
I am protected
I am established
I am renewed
I am blessed
One day I'll see the sun again. My God is the God of the valley as well as the mountain, and I will never be snatched from the hands of the Lover of my soul.
Monday, July 12, 2010
White Chocolate Strawberry Shortcake Cake Balls
And now for pictures of my latest kitchen adventure!
I made White Chocolate dipped Strawberry Shortcake Balls. They came out alright - not fantastic but they were a lot of fun to make!
I started with preparing an Angel Food Cake according to box directions.
Then I poured it into 2 loaf pans
And baked it!
I then shredded the cake and mixed it with frozen strawberries and cream cheese frosting
After mixing all three ingredients together, I formed the dough into little balls and put them on a wax paper-covered cookie sheet and put them in the freezer overnight.
I had 2 little buddies that eagerly "helped" me in the kitchen.....
I melted several cubes of white almond bark in the microwave
And spread it over the cake balls
Ta-da! : )
They're best when kept in the freezer - they are not quite thick enough to hold their shape when in the fridge. I think next time I'll use a regular cake mix and fresh strawberries to cut down on the moisture. But they were a fun experiment!
I'd call the battle in the kitchen a draw this time. : )
I made White Chocolate dipped Strawberry Shortcake Balls. They came out alright - not fantastic but they were a lot of fun to make!
I started with preparing an Angel Food Cake according to box directions.
Then I poured it into 2 loaf pans
And baked it!
I then shredded the cake and mixed it with frozen strawberries and cream cheese frosting
After mixing all three ingredients together, I formed the dough into little balls and put them on a wax paper-covered cookie sheet and put them in the freezer overnight.
I had 2 little buddies that eagerly "helped" me in the kitchen.....
I melted several cubes of white almond bark in the microwave
And spread it over the cake balls
Ta-da! : )
They're best when kept in the freezer - they are not quite thick enough to hold their shape when in the fridge. I think next time I'll use a regular cake mix and fresh strawberries to cut down on the moisture. But they were a fun experiment!
I'd call the battle in the kitchen a draw this time. : )
Saturday, July 10, 2010
Round one
I spent the last hour reading the Pioneer Woman's cookbook and now I'm craving blackberry cobbler and a crinkly-eyed cowboy. And I currently can't have either. So I've decided to try and fill the void with some other buttery, sugary, sinful dessert. Wish me luck - the kitchen and I have a love-hate relationship, slowly circling each other with hackles raised. This time I'm not backing down! Pictures to follow....
Sunday, July 4, 2010
Summer
Happy 4th of July, and Happy Birthday, America! We enjoyed a beautiful display of fireworks and a wonderful time hanging out with friends tonight. We got to have a picnic dinner (Fried chicken, potato salad, and fresh fruit thanks to Mom!) and we got to sit on REAL grass, which is a treat when you live in the desert.
Summer is definitely here already! The past month has been hot, dry, and cloudless.... I am longing for even a little bit of rain to cool things down. We did have a light sprinkle earlier this week, but I was at work and missed out on it. I sometimes wish I worked outside instead of indoors. There are times when hours will go by without a hint of natural daylight and I miss the fresh air and sunshine!
There is nothing I love more this time of year than the smell of the first rain on the desert. It has a rich, earthy scent, full of promise for a good monsoon season. I remember when I was little, we would get so excited about thunderstorms and rain. We would sit in the house, flashlight ready in case the power went out, and we'd count the seconds between the lightning strikes and the thunderclaps... "One Mississippi, TWO Mississippi......" Then we'd squeal when an especially loud clap of thunder cracked and boomed. After the storm died down a little, we'd go out driving, looking for washes and riverbeds that were running bank to bank with the water from a flash flood. There was something about the tumultuous frothing power of the water current that sent a delicious shiver up my spine.
Summer is magical when you're a kid. I loved going to the pool and swimming and playing Marco Polo until I was tired - a GOOD kind of tired, one of the best kind of tired's there is. We'd climb out and have a moon-pie and a Capri Sun and lie on our backs on the hot concrete to dry off. When we were older, we joined the ranks of the brave - daring to climb on the diving boards - first the lower one and then the awe-inspiring "High Dive". The butterflies would dance in my stomach as I stood on the end and eyed the water that seemed a mile away. In that moment I was a beautiful princess captured by pirates and condemned to walk the plank to a watery grave. Finally I'd screw up my face and let out a squeal and throw myself off into space and certain annihilation, pounding into the water and then racing back to the ladder for more.
I miss the uncomplicated-ness of those days. When my biggest worry was if I would manage to look hungry and cute enough to nab one of the snacks that were meant for the players at the end of my brother's little league games. (I was a pretty good little con artist) Those days were the good days of trampolines and badminton and bare feet. Of lemonade and the smell of sunscreen and the high-pitched hum of cicadas in the trees. They had a magic of their own that can't be re-captured as a grown-up.
I'd like to be seven again, just for a day. To be that little blonde ponytailed girl with the Koolaid mustache, lying on the grass in the sun with eyes closed and a little grin on her face. To do cannon-balls into the pool and ride bikes and run in the sprinkler. Summer was more than just a season to that little girl -it was a gift. And now to this 23-year-old little girl, it's like going back in time to a place that holds some of the best memories of my life.
Summer is definitely here already! The past month has been hot, dry, and cloudless.... I am longing for even a little bit of rain to cool things down. We did have a light sprinkle earlier this week, but I was at work and missed out on it. I sometimes wish I worked outside instead of indoors. There are times when hours will go by without a hint of natural daylight and I miss the fresh air and sunshine!
There is nothing I love more this time of year than the smell of the first rain on the desert. It has a rich, earthy scent, full of promise for a good monsoon season. I remember when I was little, we would get so excited about thunderstorms and rain. We would sit in the house, flashlight ready in case the power went out, and we'd count the seconds between the lightning strikes and the thunderclaps... "One Mississippi, TWO Mississippi......" Then we'd squeal when an especially loud clap of thunder cracked and boomed. After the storm died down a little, we'd go out driving, looking for washes and riverbeds that were running bank to bank with the water from a flash flood. There was something about the tumultuous frothing power of the water current that sent a delicious shiver up my spine.
Summer is magical when you're a kid. I loved going to the pool and swimming and playing Marco Polo until I was tired - a GOOD kind of tired, one of the best kind of tired's there is. We'd climb out and have a moon-pie and a Capri Sun and lie on our backs on the hot concrete to dry off. When we were older, we joined the ranks of the brave - daring to climb on the diving boards - first the lower one and then the awe-inspiring "High Dive". The butterflies would dance in my stomach as I stood on the end and eyed the water that seemed a mile away. In that moment I was a beautiful princess captured by pirates and condemned to walk the plank to a watery grave. Finally I'd screw up my face and let out a squeal and throw myself off into space and certain annihilation, pounding into the water and then racing back to the ladder for more.
I miss the uncomplicated-ness of those days. When my biggest worry was if I would manage to look hungry and cute enough to nab one of the snacks that were meant for the players at the end of my brother's little league games. (I was a pretty good little con artist) Those days were the good days of trampolines and badminton and bare feet. Of lemonade and the smell of sunscreen and the high-pitched hum of cicadas in the trees. They had a magic of their own that can't be re-captured as a grown-up.
I'd like to be seven again, just for a day. To be that little blonde ponytailed girl with the Koolaid mustache, lying on the grass in the sun with eyes closed and a little grin on her face. To do cannon-balls into the pool and ride bikes and run in the sprinkler. Summer was more than just a season to that little girl -it was a gift. And now to this 23-year-old little girl, it's like going back in time to a place that holds some of the best memories of my life.
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
So here goes
Hi I'm Kate.
I'm kind of a stream-of-consciousness type of writer so I apologize in advance. Not sure why I'm apologizing...I'm the only person who's reading my blog and I don't need to apology to myself...
I'm 23, single...somewhat ok with that. Somewhat not ok with that but there you go. Learning to make the most of every day. Learning that a guy is not my "other half". I am whole and complete just the way I am. Having a guy is just the icing on the cake or the cherry in the coke.
I'm the kind of girl who loves nothing more than to disappear into the mountains and spend hours looking through the lens of a camera at a chipmunk or a flower or swinging my feet off a ledge in the breeze. I'd rather listen to a horse munching hay than the latest one-hit-wonder on XM.
In some ways I still am your average girl. I still cry at the end of the Notebook and sigh dreamily when Mr. Darcy looks at Lizzy that way... Of course I secretly hope to one day have my own Mr. Knightley, but he'll be wearing boots and wranglers and have a sideways Marlboro Man grin.
Am I cynical? At times, very. Do I really think there are any Austen-esque men that exist outside my head? Hmmm.... the jury's still out on that one. Sometimes my girlish fantasies are more fun to live in than reality, but it's like smelling good coffee without being able to taste it. A good, simple glass of water - though it's not as sexy as a margarita - is more sustaining and good for me. I'm not saying I should head for the next boring lightweight to come along just cause he's "stable" and doesn't rock the boat. Who aspires to be a Charlotte Lucas? You've gotta have salt in the beef. I'm just saying, if you keep your head in the clouds you never know what beautiful things you're missing out on.
If you could bottle one scent in nature, what would it be? I love the smell of dirt. That rich, musty smell of growing things and secret sunny places......mmmmm. Next time you're outside, grab a handful of soil and put it up to your nose. Close your eyes and just paint a picture with each whiff.
Did you ever make a plan when you were a kid of what your life would be like? I had a million different plans. I went through the whole lawyer phase, veterinarian phase, artist phase, musician, actress, nurse (preferably a World War 2 nurse who gets rescued by a handsome Army doctor), missionary, horse trainer, etc., etc. I guess you could say I was like a crippled map-maker....always drawing and never going places. I ended up majoring in Spanish education, which is, of course, why I am now working as a vet tech. My life makes sense like that.
My biggest passion in life would have to be animals. I'm pretty much a female James Herriot...without the suave British accent and the whole "Dr." thing on the front of my name. Animals have a way of filling up my heart like no human can. One look into a dog's eyes and I turn into a puddle of mush and start babbling and leaning in for schloppy wet doggie kisses. They have so much unconditional love. Not gonna find that in any guy walking around these days. I'd rather go hiking with my two golden retrievers than go to some fancy restaurant with a pretty boy in a suit. (cynical much? maybe...)
Cats. I...RESPECT them. There's something you gotta admire about a creature that doesn't take crap from anyone and lets people know exactly how they feel. There's no two ways about it with a cat. I've never had a cat, and owning one is not too high on my to-do list, but working at the animal hospital the past 3-odd years has taught me to look past the claws and the prissy attitude.
Horses are one of the most beautiful things on the planet. I sometimes have trouble breathing with the sheer beauty of a horse galloping across a field. There's something about them that's so wild and reckless and full of life that can never be tamed and never should be. I've spent many hours wishing I was a horse running wild through a valley in Montana or Wyoming, splashing water in the air when I cross a river and rolling on the green grass.
My lifelong dream, my biggest wish ever since I was a little girl recently came true and I got my first horse - a big sweet gray named Bro. He's a gentle giant who lives to eat and roll in the dirt, (naturally - he's white) so most of the time he's reddish-brown, but he's still a handsome gentleman. I'm learning so much from this new friendship. It's good to have a healthy respect for a creature over 10 times your size, but it's also important to be unquestionably in charge. Yeah, I'm pretty much a push-over most of the time, and he knows it. Gotta work on that....
I'm kind of going through one of those phases in life where I feel like I'm not working towards anything. Just working. Just because that's what there is. And there's nothing wrong with that, I guess. Work is good - work is scarce these days, and I realize every day that despite the stress and daily frustration of my job, I love what I do, and there are very few people who can say that. I don't love it all the time, of course - no one could. There are days....sheesh, I could go on. But having a job is a very good thing, especially right now, and the fact that I enjoy work is an awesome bonus.
There are just days when I wish I had more than a daily routine and an alarm clock. I itch to get out and explore life and everything out there just waiting to be discovered. Yeah, yeah - very Disney of me I know. You can just picture me running through a meadow singing like Belle in Beauty and the Beast, "I want adventure in the great wide somewhereee!!!". Not that I wanna fall in love with a guy who has more hair and claws than your average grizzly... I just sometimes feel like a wind-up doll who moves robotically through the week only to run out of energy by Friday night, rendering me dead and useless over the weekend. I suppose that's why they invented Red Bull...
For some reason I tend to be more inspired to write when I'm feeling depressed. Depression is one of those things that everyone denounces as selfish and weak but everyone secretly struggles with. Yes, in some ways it is self-centered and weak, but heck, I'll be the first to admit I butt heads with it pretty darn often. Life sucks sometimes - no other way to put it. There are some major losers out there (I know, I've been one). It's easy to throw medication at the problem - sometimes it's the best and most legit option. But too often I think we just need to start looking up instead of looking in. That whole mystic mumbo-jumbo crap about "looking inside yourself" for answers is a load of hooey. The only thing inside me is a bunch of blood and guts. (I suppose that could be an answer of sorts....)
I'm a Christian, although not a very good one. I'm a wretched heathen most of the time, and I've been really stuck in the mud here lately. But I still unswervingly believe there's more to this life than just being happy. There's more to this life than...this life. What we're doing here and now is simply a dress rehearsal for the real show. But it still matters to God. I really haven't been living like it matters to me. I keep acting like this is all there is and I better get what I can out of it. I am short-changing myself so badly with that perspective.
I don't know what the next few years are gonna bring. Or even the next few days. Sometimes I wish I had a superpower and could see into the future like Alice from the Twilight books. (yes, I read them...that jury's still out, too) I'd love to know exactly what's going to happen, who (or if) I end up marrying, where I'm gonna live, how many kids I'm gonna have. It would be nice to have it all lined up and in a neat little row. But then I realize that takes away the joy and the thrill (terror?) of the unknown. It's like watching a good movie for the first time - you're on the edge of your seat and you're dying to find out what's gonna happen, but the spine-tingling wait is the best part. So I'm gonna grab some popcorn (the cheesy kind with all the calories) and settle in for the show. Who knows how it's gonna end?
I'm kind of a stream-of-consciousness type of writer so I apologize in advance. Not sure why I'm apologizing...I'm the only person who's reading my blog and I don't need to apology to myself...
I'm 23, single...somewhat ok with that. Somewhat not ok with that but there you go. Learning to make the most of every day. Learning that a guy is not my "other half". I am whole and complete just the way I am. Having a guy is just the icing on the cake or the cherry in the coke.
I'm the kind of girl who loves nothing more than to disappear into the mountains and spend hours looking through the lens of a camera at a chipmunk or a flower or swinging my feet off a ledge in the breeze. I'd rather listen to a horse munching hay than the latest one-hit-wonder on XM.
In some ways I still am your average girl. I still cry at the end of the Notebook and sigh dreamily when Mr. Darcy looks at Lizzy that way... Of course I secretly hope to one day have my own Mr. Knightley, but he'll be wearing boots and wranglers and have a sideways Marlboro Man grin.
Am I cynical? At times, very. Do I really think there are any Austen-esque men that exist outside my head? Hmmm.... the jury's still out on that one. Sometimes my girlish fantasies are more fun to live in than reality, but it's like smelling good coffee without being able to taste it. A good, simple glass of water - though it's not as sexy as a margarita - is more sustaining and good for me. I'm not saying I should head for the next boring lightweight to come along just cause he's "stable" and doesn't rock the boat. Who aspires to be a Charlotte Lucas? You've gotta have salt in the beef. I'm just saying, if you keep your head in the clouds you never know what beautiful things you're missing out on.
If you could bottle one scent in nature, what would it be? I love the smell of dirt. That rich, musty smell of growing things and secret sunny places......mmmmm. Next time you're outside, grab a handful of soil and put it up to your nose. Close your eyes and just paint a picture with each whiff.
Did you ever make a plan when you were a kid of what your life would be like? I had a million different plans. I went through the whole lawyer phase, veterinarian phase, artist phase, musician, actress, nurse (preferably a World War 2 nurse who gets rescued by a handsome Army doctor), missionary, horse trainer, etc., etc. I guess you could say I was like a crippled map-maker....always drawing and never going places. I ended up majoring in Spanish education, which is, of course, why I am now working as a vet tech. My life makes sense like that.
My biggest passion in life would have to be animals. I'm pretty much a female James Herriot...without the suave British accent and the whole "Dr." thing on the front of my name. Animals have a way of filling up my heart like no human can. One look into a dog's eyes and I turn into a puddle of mush and start babbling and leaning in for schloppy wet doggie kisses. They have so much unconditional love. Not gonna find that in any guy walking around these days. I'd rather go hiking with my two golden retrievers than go to some fancy restaurant with a pretty boy in a suit. (cynical much? maybe...)
Cats. I...RESPECT them. There's something you gotta admire about a creature that doesn't take crap from anyone and lets people know exactly how they feel. There's no two ways about it with a cat. I've never had a cat, and owning one is not too high on my to-do list, but working at the animal hospital the past 3-odd years has taught me to look past the claws and the prissy attitude.
Horses are one of the most beautiful things on the planet. I sometimes have trouble breathing with the sheer beauty of a horse galloping across a field. There's something about them that's so wild and reckless and full of life that can never be tamed and never should be. I've spent many hours wishing I was a horse running wild through a valley in Montana or Wyoming, splashing water in the air when I cross a river and rolling on the green grass.
My lifelong dream, my biggest wish ever since I was a little girl recently came true and I got my first horse - a big sweet gray named Bro. He's a gentle giant who lives to eat and roll in the dirt, (naturally - he's white) so most of the time he's reddish-brown, but he's still a handsome gentleman. I'm learning so much from this new friendship. It's good to have a healthy respect for a creature over 10 times your size, but it's also important to be unquestionably in charge. Yeah, I'm pretty much a push-over most of the time, and he knows it. Gotta work on that....
I'm kind of going through one of those phases in life where I feel like I'm not working towards anything. Just working. Just because that's what there is. And there's nothing wrong with that, I guess. Work is good - work is scarce these days, and I realize every day that despite the stress and daily frustration of my job, I love what I do, and there are very few people who can say that. I don't love it all the time, of course - no one could. There are days....sheesh, I could go on. But having a job is a very good thing, especially right now, and the fact that I enjoy work is an awesome bonus.
There are just days when I wish I had more than a daily routine and an alarm clock. I itch to get out and explore life and everything out there just waiting to be discovered. Yeah, yeah - very Disney of me I know. You can just picture me running through a meadow singing like Belle in Beauty and the Beast, "I want adventure in the great wide somewhereee!!!". Not that I wanna fall in love with a guy who has more hair and claws than your average grizzly... I just sometimes feel like a wind-up doll who moves robotically through the week only to run out of energy by Friday night, rendering me dead and useless over the weekend. I suppose that's why they invented Red Bull...
For some reason I tend to be more inspired to write when I'm feeling depressed. Depression is one of those things that everyone denounces as selfish and weak but everyone secretly struggles with. Yes, in some ways it is self-centered and weak, but heck, I'll be the first to admit I butt heads with it pretty darn often. Life sucks sometimes - no other way to put it. There are some major losers out there (I know, I've been one). It's easy to throw medication at the problem - sometimes it's the best and most legit option. But too often I think we just need to start looking up instead of looking in. That whole mystic mumbo-jumbo crap about "looking inside yourself" for answers is a load of hooey. The only thing inside me is a bunch of blood and guts. (I suppose that could be an answer of sorts....)
I'm a Christian, although not a very good one. I'm a wretched heathen most of the time, and I've been really stuck in the mud here lately. But I still unswervingly believe there's more to this life than just being happy. There's more to this life than...this life. What we're doing here and now is simply a dress rehearsal for the real show. But it still matters to God. I really haven't been living like it matters to me. I keep acting like this is all there is and I better get what I can out of it. I am short-changing myself so badly with that perspective.
I don't know what the next few years are gonna bring. Or even the next few days. Sometimes I wish I had a superpower and could see into the future like Alice from the Twilight books. (yes, I read them...that jury's still out, too) I'd love to know exactly what's going to happen, who (or if) I end up marrying, where I'm gonna live, how many kids I'm gonna have. It would be nice to have it all lined up and in a neat little row. But then I realize that takes away the joy and the thrill (terror?) of the unknown. It's like watching a good movie for the first time - you're on the edge of your seat and you're dying to find out what's gonna happen, but the spine-tingling wait is the best part. So I'm gonna grab some popcorn (the cheesy kind with all the calories) and settle in for the show. Who knows how it's gonna end?
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